Evolution of an Undernourished Plant | When to break free ( part III. )
:: Finding my inner trust and saying “No More.” ::
Healing is not the same as a cure. It is not one and done. Healing is not linear, it is a process. This process for me has been about embodying the idea that when we don’t abandon ourselves in our own healing process, we continue to heal.
Recognizing we are whole regardless of our wounding is what the human experience is all about.
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So there I was, 7 months of my holistic healing journey under my belt. I had changed so much. I had grown spiritually and was healing physically. I had held my emotions within my own sacred chalice inside of me. My astral body - mental body - was focused. Once I became my version of well, I changed.
Unfortunately, nothing around me changed with me…
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In the fall of 2019, I felt like I was becoming. I had learned to trust my inner guidance. I had learned to trust my body. Learning to trust my body ( and myself ) was not always as easy as it sounded. Then again, when I look back, I can’t believe how easy it is for me today to have my relationship with it.
Because I was receiving the help I had asked for and following the guidance ( the intuitive nudges + doing the things ), I learned to become incredibly attuned to my own needs. I focused my attention and awareness to the things that really fed me. Instead of the things that drained me or taxed my energy.
I set boundaries with others and I set boundaries with myself. These things are so much easier to establish once you have the support to do so. And they also take time.
Even though I was feeling well, feeling better, I was still very sure I wasn’t meant to work in higher education anymore and although I started my blog in May of 2019, I still wasn’t sure what my purpose was. Everything that I was learning, living and doing in my wellness was building a foundation to leading up to making that big shift I needed to completely change things and quit my 9 - 5. I knew it would happen and I could feel it in the distance, but I had to meet myself where I was at. It wasn't quite yet time.
I really wanted to completely change my life. So, I decided to take the next steps to do so…“Little by little”, like my mom always said.
So, what were my next “little” steps, exactly? I said “No.” A lot…
When I first started telling people that I was ready to leave my job back in 2017, everyone had an opinion. I was all of a sudden surrounded by people who were giving me advice that left me feeling more confused.
For my own benefit, I processed their feedback in a nonjudgemental fashion. Some of the feedback made sense. I remember people telling me to just do it because then I would feel better. Which made sense at the time, but I had also learned the lesson of escapism doing you a dis-service. I didn’t want to jump from one burning ship to the next. I wanted to feel like I was running towards something, not away from it. I wanted to feel confident about my next move. I was in it for the long haul and I couldn’t ignore the feeling inside of me that there was something unfinished.
Like a question that needed to be answered in order to end this chapter in my life, only the answer wasn’t one to be found, but experienced. This feeling led me to become even more self - aware through the experience I was having with those around me.
I always believe that other people are the mirrors in which we see ourselves.
I became self - aware to a point which I could decipher for my highest and greatest good what was being mirrored back to me. I came to find that there were two types of reflections I was experiencing : a trigger that pokes your ego ( uncovering a wound that needs some tender loving care from you, by you and for you ) or a trigger that spreads your wings ( a gentle push or wave that gets you moving towards a desire - a key that unlocks a door ).
During those early years of growth, before 2019, I found it really hard to say no. I used to give away my power to others by allowing them to define my character through their own perception. I gave my power away by saying yes to supporting others when my own cup was empty leaving me depleted. I found it hard to say my truth with confidence, courage, integrity and conviction.
Because I lacked boundaries with myself and others, I was constantly being triggered. The trigger was a warning sign, an alarm sounding inside of myself that my needs were not being met. It was a siren warning me of the consequence of sacrificing my self-worth for the need of external validation from others. I was needing to learn to say no. It was a lesson that came back full circle and with full force.
So, I said, “No.”
I stopped trying to please those around me and begin to shift my perspective inward. I began to take responsibility for my part to play in this life and the part I play in my relationships. I began to heal old wounds that were present in this lifetime for me. I worked on the “mother wound”, the “father wound” and even explored inner child healing among other types of shadow work.
Ever since I was little, I had always had issues with feeling responsible for others. And when you engage your subtle senses and they get stronger, you start to pick up on energy that’s subtle. This made me feel like a I had a duty, a calling to help others through their own personal inner work. Only, at the time, since I had no boundaries, it was creating more problems with others then it was actually helping people. Because not everyone wants to heal. Not everyone wants to be on this journey or do this work. And most importantly, everyone has their own free will to determine what their journey is all about and who gets to be part of it, including the work that happens in their own inner healing process.
I started to understand that healing was not a one - to - one process, but a garden of people working together as a whole ( side note : this is where the name Collective Inner Garden comes from <3 )
Once I began to shift inward, I felt a less toxic way of being with myself and others. I no longer felt a duty of unsolicited responsibility to those around me, unless my help was purely asked for. I didn’t do or say anything back if I felt triggered. I didn’t react. I allowed any judgements or interactions with attachments I had to them just be what they were without feeling the need to fix myself or fix others. I became grounded in the humxn experience.
If allowing others to be a mirror for my own inner work was the best lesson I have ever learned, then not allowing external energy to consume me was the second best lesson I ever learned.
I began to hold my own sacred energy in it’s highest most empowered place. It was a pivotal moment. And it lead me to continue to say no many more times where it was warranted by my own inner guidance.
Once I started saying no to what internal and external games I would and wouldn’t allow, I started to say no in places where bigger risks were at play. I said no to committee work in my job that hurt my identity development and drained my energy. I said no to mentors and teachers that crossed boundaries with me. I said no to working into my lunch hour and being “voluntold” for things.
( FYI - Being “voluntold” is when someone asks you to fulfill a role or complete a task that is technically a volunteer position, but they make it sound like you are the best person at it and should therefore just do it. It’s a subtle act of manipulation for getting the job done when you have to work with others and can’t do it all yourself. )
So I said “no.” A LOT. And it felt damn good.
I even said no to putting pressure on myself to always be perfect.
All of this saying no and enacting solid boundaries with myself and others, validated my self - worth. Validating my self - worth lead to self - love. From there, I knew I could trust.
Validating my own worth opened the door to that next step I needed to find clarity. After going on a boundaries spree, and gaining clarity from it, I came to the conclusion that what I was experiencing and feeling was just total burnout. A stifling of my own creativity, a cap on my income and a lack of opportunities to grow and develop myself as a person and a practitioner in a spiritual sense. It was time to move on and it was then I realized that no other job in any industry or institution would change things for me and I needed to change things for myself. I needed to align with my true path.
After gathering my experiences and feelings through personal reflection and observation with those around me as a mirror to myself, I decided I needed to feel something drastically different. I needed to experience what I did want for myself and that of course was an abundance of health, vitality and flow not stagnancy.
Again, I made another move. Only this one was much, much bigger and more tangible than the last moves I made and it required ample amounts of courage and a total presence of trust.
In winter of 2019, I started a conversation with my therapist about filing paperwork with HR to request a Leave of Absence for my own mental health through my employer. While I was doing all the boundary work, managing my mental health coupled with constant staffing changes in our unit and support around me lead me to an all time low. I had set my boundaries and soon after, they began to get push back.
I started experiencing a sense of paranoia and social anxiety about my work. Once again, I began to feel torn between the duty I felt in my role and those around me and the urge to not compromise my authenticity, needs, health and wellbeing. I knew the reality of “this isn't working” needed a drastic shift, and I really needed something big to make even bigger gains in my own wellness and healing. I knew that if I was going to get well, I needed to clear a lot of space out in my life for it to happen.
Most of all, I knew I was not going to be able to truly work on my business, even as a side job because I didn’t have the energy, mental capacity or emotional capacity to even just get to work everyday. I was completely depleted and not living at all. I had once again become that undernourished plant shrinking, losing my joy and slowly dying.
Starting the Leave of Absence process was a big space clearer. It was the biggest boundary I had ever set with myself and my job. I was terrified to do it but I knew something needed to change. I just couldn’t keep cycling downward with my mental health and physical wellbeing after making so many gains. After I knew what it felt like to feel well and have momentum like back in fall of 2019, I knew I didn’t want to feel unwell anymore. And I knew my job was in the way.
So, after months of feeling into the decision, I decided to take action. In February of 2020 I met with my therapist, acupuncturist and medical doctor to talk about the severity of my situation. I was officially diagnosed with chronic sinusitis by my medical doctor and officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder by my mental health practitioner. Although this was hard, it also on some level felt like a relief. I was exhausted and it felt like a relief to know that I didn’t have to perfectionism my way into being well anymore. I no longer had to pretend or fake it. Sometimes surrendering to the truth sets you free. Out of these diagnoses, I bravely filed a request through my unit’s HR office for 13 weeks of paid medical leave through the Family Medical Leave Act ( FMLA ).
There were so many uncomfortable things I felt about making this decision and taking the leave. Who was I to take this leave? Did I even deserve this leave? This paid time off? I’m not pregnant, having a baby or undergoing major surgery. Why should I get this time off? What will those around me think? Will they think I am abandoning them and my work? Will they think I’m lazy? What will they do without me in my role? For years I had worked as the only full time career counselor in my office and these were just some of the thoughts and fears I had that I really had to come to terms with.
First off, I had to realize that it wasn’t about “deserving” the leave. It was about realizing that it was something that I truly needed. I knew I wasn’t going to make it another month. And this is dark but the alternatives to “making it” did not involve me being on this planet any longer. I struggled to even breathe through the panic attacks I was having. There were days when just walking into the building where I worked induced them. We shouldn’t have to let the situation get to the point where this is happening to feel deserving of time away. We should feel we can just take it without gossip or judgement or people projecting their own fears or stressors on you because, guess what? They’re probably needing a leave too! Which leads me to my second point.
Second off, people be people. You cannot control others. You can’t control their thoughts, their actions, what they say to you or those around them or anything else. You can’t control their choices or even the role you want them to play in your life. No one has to do anything they don’t want to do. Free will is part of living on this planet. If people want to gossip, they gossip. If they want to be manipulative, they be manipulative. Similarly, if people want to change their life, they change their life. Everyone has a choice in regards to the person they want to become.
For me, through setting boundaries, I was learning how to shift from codependent to interdependent. I had to realize that I couldn’t control others and it wasn’t my responsibility to be a leader through helping others in some ass backwards martyr approach but rather become an example of what leadership could look like through supporting myself in creating the life I wanted to live through the change I could create starting with myself.
People will be fine without you if you choose to leave them. If you can’t let go, then you haven’t learned the lesson.
I spent so much time thinking about making this request that it actually took me months to even bring it up in therapy and then once I did, in winter of 2020, the ball started rolling pretty quickly to make it happen. I received the required documentation from my wellness team. I crafted my leave of absence plan outlining a timeline of what I’d be missing while I was out. I also crafted a personal escape plan. A plan I thought was foolproof for leaving my job and earning a living. At the end of February/early March, with these parts in place, I was ready to tell my boss about taking the leave. I was ready to take that time away from work to heal and focus on my wellness and needs.
So you can see that finding my inner trust and saying no were all repetitive acts. One after the other, little by little, learning more and more and exercising my will, until I took one giant move forward and said no to the really big thing I needed to, in order to make space for healing.
My story doesn’t end here! There was one major thing that stated in 2020 that none of us could prepare for.
Something that foiled my personal escape plan - a pandemic.
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Stay tuned for the final part of my story!! In the final post, part IV, I write about the year 2020 and how I really leaned into flow through making the plan, changing the plan and then making it happen.
See you next week for part IV <3
Keep Planting,
Jamie