Evolution of an Undernourished Plant | When to break free ( part IV. )
:: Deciding I wanted different. Making the plan, changing it, then making it happen ::
The radical shift in standing up for myself and taking the leave of absence from my 9-5 job helped me to take the first step in deciding I wanted something different for myself. This act of asserting my will and sovereignty by following through ( even though it was really hard at first ) really solidified the scattering of the seeds on my path to a different life - the life that I wanted for myself which included freedom, unlimited creativity, family, love for self and from others and an abundance of joy, peace, comfort and above all real wellness.
The day in March 2020 I told my boss that I had filed the paperwork for a leave of absence, was also the day our campus went remote. We were officially in a pandemic.
Looking back, part of me feels there was some deep inner knowing that gave me the courage to follow through with my leave. I knew I needed a break from the lifestyle I was feeding and I also felt the world needed it too. Although I felt it coming, I also felt blindsided. My post leave escape plan was to move into a less expensive apartment outside the city and get a couple of jobs serving and bartending while I tried my hand at becoming a private career coach. With the pandemic, that was no longer an option. Still, I knew I had to trust my decision to take the leave of absence. I knew that there was a high probability I would be returning to my job and I wanted to make the most of my leave time. So I decided to focus on the things that made it difficult for me to let go.
Letting go had become a very sticky place for me somehow. While I was on my leave of absence from my 9-5, what I found to be fascinating at age 33 was all the things I found fear in letting go of. Even just taking the leave of absence as a full-time working adult scared the shit out of me. When I was younger, it was the complete opposite. I let go of so many things without hesitation and re-created myself rising up and up and up. I did it over and over again without hesitation.
As an adult, I knew it would always be possible to rebirth myself. I also knew that the distance I allowed the tower to crumble, would mirror the outcome I was seeking. Little by little served me up until this point. Now, it was really time to dig even deeper and shake things from the ground up. The tower needed to crumble completely. And I needed to hold my fear in the process.
The days leading up to my paid Leave of Absence, I experienced fear of letting go of my role and my day to day responsibilities. What would I do with my hours in the day? Could I really be someone who remains accountable to myself? What if I got bored? What if I procrastinate? Who would I become if no one was seeking out a one on one meeting with me or a piece of information? If no one was needing me, then who was I? What was my value? What was my purpose?
These were the exact questions I asked myself about becoming a full-time business owner.
I was also afraid to let go of my co-workers, the new and old or established relationships. I thought that if I couldn’t build strong relationships with those I worked with day in and day out for over 6 years, then who would I build relationships with? Who would support me? How would I meet new people?
Most of all, I was afraid to let go of the person I was.
I worked my ass off in my career! Went through 24 months of an accredited master’s program and sacrificed so much to accumulate a massive amount of student loan debt and invested in 7 years of skill building and mastery in the field. I had passed the label of a “mid-level” professional into longevity territory. In a culture that values the time you put in to punch the clock and pay your dues over vulnerability, newness and the freedom of being a beginner at something, it became very scary to think that quitting my full-time job meant I’d be at the bottom of the stairway again. I had worked so hard to climb so high to better my career path and self. The fear of throwing all that away seemed debilitating to me.
Looking back, I now see that my higher self was pointing me in a direction to do inner work. My values were facing a drastic shift and I could feel my soul taking the lead. And it meant I needed to shift as well.
Before my leave I realized, if you can’t let go, then you haven’t learned the lesson. During my leave I learned, there is no such thing as failure, only lessons learned.
So, I took the time I needed to get right with myself on my leave. With my job no longer weighing on me in my day to day life, I was able to have the space to explore myself. I focused on the barriers that made it hard for me to let go. I focused on my mental health, emotional health, physical health and energetic health.
My wellness once again skyrocketed and even though we were in a pandemic, I felt safer than ever being at home by myself. I feel so grateful to have the privilege of being in the situation that I was in, to be so fully resourced. I lived by myself with my companion animal Emily, and I was able to stay in isolated safety and control my space. I was also still getting paid.
These resources gave me the time to really focus on who I was and who I wanted to become. Something I really struggled to find mental and emotional space for while I was working full-time. I had weekly therapy sessions with my therapist, I read really interesting books, I practiced yoga, planned and cooked healthy meals, and made sure I was getting the right amount of sleep and rest.
I also found support for my spiritual growth. I joined a Sisterhood that met every other Sunday for six months. We held space for one another, witnessed each other through our healing and supported one another. It was a profound group that helped me through my time away.
I invested in a course called “Healing the Mother Wound” by one of my favorite authors who is an expert in holding space for grief, wounding, and earth and animal medicine.
I focused my time and energy on creating space for energy work with myself. I started learning about Reiki and receiving distance sessions. I also dove into a lot of thought work and shifting my own limiting beliefs about myself and my situation. I learned how powerful the mind really is. And just how important it is to hold equal amounts of space for the light and the dark inside of myself. I returned to the things I was afraid to let go of and one by one I listed them out. Then I re-wrote them with the opposite narrative.
“Could I really remain accountable to myself?” became, “I can’t think of a time when I ever let myself down”. “Who would I build relationships with?” and “How would I meet new people?” became, “I can meet new people anywhere, anytime. I am so friendly that I can build new relationships with probably anyone!”
One by one I re-wrote the narrative inside of me. Then, I felt it...freedom.
I released attachment to the people at my job and released attachment to my role through holding space for my fears and validating that I was worthy of a new opportunity. I validated that my own personal value is not reflected in my work or how many people I help in a day or even how busy I appear. I validated my worthiness daily and gave myself love for getting to this point.
This toolkit became a vehicle for developing my inner support. It was only through the people I invested in around me that I was able to get out of my own way as an undernourished plant and free myself. In a way, you could say that I didn’t break free from the system I worked in, but that I broke free from the matrix inside of myself. The fears, doubts and limitations that weighed me down over years.
Again, I was reborn.
I started committing to this new version of myself. A confident person who knows who they are, where they come from and what they want. This version of myself was the person I’d always wanted to become. I had let go of so many ways of being, thinking and living and it was time to prepare for the next chapter of my life.
After my very nurturing leave came to an end in June of 2020, I returned to my job which was completely remote. I wasn’t disappointed that I had to return, but rather focused. After experiencing a life without my current role, I was ready to exit for real.
I decided I needed support in crafting my business. I signed up for a robust 6 month group coaching program created by an entrepreneur who left their 9-5 in higher ed and launched a successful business. It felt so right to invest in the program. While in the program, I discovered breathwork again, and this time I engaged in the practice with an open mind, heart and excitement. I no longer feared manipulating my breath and recognized my breathwork practice as a mirror of how far I had come in letting go of fear. This was life changing! So life changing that I committed to it as a daily practice and then became a certified facilitator in late August of 2020.
At some point I realized that I had come full circle.
Becoming a breathwork practitioner was not just a sign of my evolution as a practitioner or a tool in my toolkit, it was a moment of unbelievable admiration for the path I had been on up until that point. I recalled the previous summer when breathwork first came into my world and how terrified I was of it. Now, with a renewed sense of self from a supported and sustainable place, I jumped into the practice without even hesitating. I hadn’t experienced a panic attack in six months and my anxiety felt well managed. Reflecting on that experience gave me joy. It was a signal that I had made that huge shift in my life I was looking for, and I hadn’t even left my job yet!
The week leading up to my breathwork immersion class, I woke up in the middle of the night filled with excitement. It was almost like a bolt of lightning hit me. When I woke, I knew that now the time was right. It was perfect. Working completely remote in a pandemic meant that I could work anywhere and still get paid. Furthermore, working remotely while living at home with my mom meant I could save a lot of money in a very short amount of time. Which meant I could eventually leave my job and pursue my business full-time!!!
I can’t describe how I arrived at this decision. I only remember in that moment feeling lightyears away from the version of myself in 2019 that immediately singled it out as “the worst idea ever”.
But it was yet another sign of a big shift happening inside myself. I was no longer feeling the same type of fear I previously felt. It was more like a rush of adrenaline and excitement! I was breathing easy and this plan was a sacred “hell yes!”. All of the inner work I had committed to supporting myself while being well resourced was beginning to manifest itself in the material world.
After my breathwork facilitator training in late August of 2020, I gave my notice in my apartment. Throughout the month of September, I donated and sold most of my belongings, packed up my things and travelled to my hometown. I moved into my tiny old bedroom in my mom’s house and worked remotely.
Only a handful of people knew what I was doing. I didn’t tell anyone because it was an experience I wanted to have for myself. I kept the experience close to my heart.
I told no one at work, not even my boss who I have a really good relationship with. The truth was, I didn’t owe it to anyone to share my plan because in all honesty I really didn't know if I was really going to be able to quit or not. And I didn’t know when or how it would happen. When I first moved in with my mom and started saving my paychecks, I started to spend the money because I had always had $0 in my savings account and $100 or less in my checking account after paying my expenses. Accumulating wealth started to scare me and I had to remind myself of my reason for saving. Once again, I had to re-evaluate my plan. So I came up with a very specific amount of money I would need to sustain myself off of while I started my business full time. Then I calculated the number of weeks ( and then some ) to come up with a notice date and an end date. In January 2021, I gave my notice. I gave myself plenty of time to continue to save the money knowing I would really need it to support myself. April 2nd, 2021 was my final day of work in my full-time job.
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Looking back on this part of my journey, I find it so fascinating how things played out. Some people move like fire, quick - without hesitation. And some people like myself, move a little slower like the Earth - shifting subtly below your feet. Some people leap and some people lay the bricks before them.
The most important thing is that you never abandon yourself in your own process. No matter what.
It’s been over four months since I left my full-time job and I honestly couldn’t feel any happier. Making big life changes is hard!
Surrendering to myself allowed me the reality check. The ego check I needed. Understanding my needs and having boundaries led me to validate my own worth and how to become interdependent with others. Using my power of will, my intention to live the life I wanted to live while going with the flow, taking risks and being agile with them led me to the freedom I now have inside myself today. And now I am ready to use my talents, skills and experiences to help others find something similar.
Investing in others to help support you, giving yourself the time and space to witness your own healing process, while following your intuitive nudges in your body and enacting boundaries with self and others will be some of the best investments you ever make in yourself.
That leave of absence created the space I needed to be able to support myself the way I really needed to be supported. To be fully resourced so I could help myself. And my intuition was there the entire time, guiding me through. At the end of the day, I was just taking small action steps, one after the other, until it felt like it was time to leap. And now I know I’ve always got myself, whether it requires asking for help or not. I’ve got me. And it’s priceless.
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Thank you so much for being with me in these posts. If you’ve made it this far, I want to offer you a gift for witnessing my story! Please take 20% off any one-on-one session with me for breathwork or reiki with code BREAKFREE20 at checkout. Offer runs through August 12, 2021. And stay tuned for a very special announcement regarding a new group coaching program I will be launching soon. It’s called Nurture and it is based off this series!
<3 So excited to hold space for others in discovering their process <3
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If 2020 to me will be known as the year mother Earth told us to slow down. To follow our hearts, our dreams and our inner light, our soul fire, then 2021 to me will be known as the year I made it happen. When I started the fire and fed it’s slow burn.
So now you know what an undernourished plant really looks like and how it breaks free. This story was my own story, and no one else’s. I can’t tell you when it’s time for you to break free, but I always know for myself when that time comes and I’m always ready, whether I know it or not. Because I trust I will always feel it - the truth I carry inside of me will always come to light.
When it’s time for you to break free, you’ll know too. Not only will you know when it’s time, but you’ll also know exactly what to do and how to make it happen.
Trust me, you’ll know. <3
Keep planting,
jamie <3
This piece was painted by me during my journey to break free... It inspired me to tell my story in this four part blog series under the title “Evolution of an Undernourished Plant”. In the painting you can see the plant takes in life from it’s surroundings ( the pink “seeds” ). As it takes in life, it also gives life ( the blue and white “seeds” ). It is a representation of how we live, love, grow and evolve as humans. What you take in, what you receive - you give back tenfold.
And that’s a beautiful thing! <3 <3 <3