we are never alone| an essay on Chiron in Gemini

As I reflect on 2019 and the last 10 years of my journey, there was one truth I was unable to see as I was moving through it. 

I’ve spent most of my life feeling alone. 

And having feelings about it and then not. 

I am not sure if everyone goes through this, or if it’s just a few … or just me.

I know that I was destined to overcome this feeling. It’s written in the stars for me. If you were to pull my natal chart - where the stars and planets were in the sky according to my birth time, you would see it. A single snapshot in time, when I became alive in this physical body. When the sky and outer space stood still for a second in time. The moment I took my first breath. 

Even though I know there are people around me, it never mattered. I could be in a crowded room with all my friends - elbow to elbow - and still feel alone in this world. Not lonely … just alone. 

Because of the messages inside my birth chart, I know I chose to incarnate into this lifetime to overcome the stinging shadow of a belief that I have been and will always be alone.

What is Chiron in Astrology?

Chiron is an astroid in the sky that represents our greatest wound to be overcome. The Greek myth of Chiron is that Chiron was a healer that could never heal themselves although they were famous for their knowledge of medicine and known for their wise temperament. A centaur - half person, half horse. Half archer, half prey. The beauty of embodiment of dark and light in one. 

 If you run your own birth chart you will learn where Chiron sits. You will learn your greatest wound. Everything will make sense. The wound that refuses to heal and continues to show up in different ways.

My Chiron Placement

The wounded Chiron was placed in the astrological sign of Gemini the moment I was born. The sign of Gemini is of the Air element and relates to communication, intellect and ideas. Gemini specifically is known as the sign of the Twins. Two people, side by side that are identical yet opposites. Since birth, I felt like I have been waiting for an absent and identical twin to show up in my life. A carbon copy blueprint body and mind of mine. But there is no identical twin.

What is having a Chiron placement in Gemini like?

Having Chiron in Gemini might feel like you’re never good enough for others. The core of the wound lies in perception and communication. You might struggle with showing up and speaking your thoughts, emotions and opinions with a tender fear of judgement and misunderstanding. You might even have several experiences where you’ve actually said or felt like saying, “That’s not what I meant.” With a Chiron placement in Gemini, communication and its many forms is extra difficult. You might struggle with what others might think of you and therefore refuse to take action or speak up out of fear of judgement.

Personal ways I’ve struggled with having Chiron in Gemini

Wounds that were triggered around perception

- Fear + anxiety of being judged by others and therefore feeling like I’m not part of the group and don’t fit in

- Often felt like I wasn’t not smart enough which used to keep me quiet

- A tendency to question the accuracy of my own self-representation because I worried what others would think which created defensiveness

- Feelings related to competition or rivalry because I didn’t feel smart enough. This also showed up in a form of lacking. For example, if someone achieved the same exact goal I made for myself I would tell myself that I could no longer do it because it’s already been done. Someone else was smart enough to get there first before me. ( This was a form of self - sabotage.)

Communication wound triggers

- I used to feel like I wasn’t seen or heard. It felt like no one was listening to me. 

- I often felt like people misunderstand what I was saying, so I’d try to explain it further which creates even more miscommunication and could cause the other person to feel defensive

- I’d swing between communication extremes (saying too little or oversharing) then feel guilty about it or like I did something wrong.

Unhelpful behaviors that kept me small

- I used to keep gathering information and resources such as books or articles like I’m storing nuts for winter so I don’t appear not smart enough to others

- I used to focus more on being a perfectionist in my own practices so I was “prepared” for when others would call on me or in case of failure. I did this instead of sharing my work and creating things others could benefit from.

- I used to find it hard to follow through on exciting ideas because even though they felt good, they somehow don’t feel good enough. This feds into keeping myself small in the wake of feeling like I had to compete with others or that my ideas/creativity might cause rivalry and competition.

- Because I struggled to feel heard and seen I keep myself from expressing and sharing my creativity publicly in my blog, social media and business.

Finding the light in Chiron

Although Chiron represents your greatest wound, it also represents the mega lessons you are here to learn on this planet and potentially guide others through.

For me having Chiron in Gemini is a painful experience, as Chiron should be, and I have found sunlight in its core and my own ways of releasing a battle cry of strength in healing myself like Chiron never could.

How I found healing through Chiron in Gemini

I give myself permission to not make assumptions

I once heard psychic medium James Van Praugh say, “What other people think if you is none of your business” and it changed my life and my relationship to those around me.

Now, instead of making assumptions, I check my own perceptions of myself & others and the narratives I am telling myself. I ask myself are these perceptions true? If so, where is the evidence? Did someone actually say they though you were not smart enough? 10/10 times, probably not. In this way I use my logical processing to bring me out of my emotions and assumptions. This really helped me deal with any fear I was feeling around being judged and allowed me to show up more with my voice and self - expression in a consciously free way. And I remember my bottom line, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

I recognize it’s not always about me

Instead of taking things personally, I learned to understand that everyone communicates differently. For this reason, it’s okay to have misunderstandings. Even more so, it’s completely normal to disagree and healthy relationships can flourish when people learn that this is okay. I learned that other people’s truth and my truth can coexist and I can hold space for that.

Sometimes what other people say is not about you at all, even if it was directed at you to intentionally harm you. It doesn’t make it right for people to act like that, but it happens. We can’t control others. And most of the time I find peace in just acknowledging that. I’ve had people call me stupid and I recognize feedback like that is completely unconstructive, vague and just plain mean. Sometimes people operate from their own wounding. Again, it’s not right but it happens and now when it does, I just recognize that it’s not about me.

I learned to trust myself

I had to learn how to trust myself and use my voice to speak my truth to give myself agency and share my gifts. Sometimes in conversations that looks like silence. Sometimes silence ( or using your energy as I like to call it ) is power. I use silence very strategically. I use silence if I’m questioning who or what I want to give my energy to. Because there is no worse feeling than feeling like you gave your power away to someone or something because you were emotionally triggered into an argument or trap. So I use silence to help me create more space between thoughts and sentences to gauge whether or not I actually want to converse with someone and give them my time and energy.

I also use silence to resist the urge to explain myself when I feel misunderstood. Because the truth is if someone wants clarification from me, I trust they will ask instead of make assumptions about what I said.

I also had to learn how to encourage myself to believe in what I know to be true and trust it. I still love buying books and seeking knowledge but, I now do it from a secure place of curiosity and excitement versus a place of feeling like I lacked intelligence. Today, I strive to recognize my intelligence in the form it takes and see it as a gift versus a detriment.

I work with my emotions as messengers

Instead of letting my emotions get the best of me, I work with them to understand what they are trying to tell me. When I am feeling sadness or grief I know that it means I don’t know where to place my love. When I am feeling angry, I know a boundary was crossed either with myself of someone else and it needs to be restored. When I feel fear, I know that it means I might need to listen to my instincts to take action or assess what safety means to me internally.

Recognize that competition is created by people out of survival mode

I know there is an abundance of opportunities just waiting for me to say yes to and that competition is nothing but ego getting in my way. Competition is created by people out of survival mode. To be honest, I spent much of my life feeling like I was just trying to survive, especially when it came to money and opportunities. The truth is there are so many opportunities that I know people will pay me for and I now know that my own special and unique skillset, lived experiences and energy are exactly what they’d pay for. So, it doesn’t matter if someone else created something before me because there is enough room for everybody. There is more than enough. And I am committed to helping myself and those around me thrive versus just survive. For that reason alone, it’s worth just putting out the blog post, online course, idea, quote or whatever it is you want to even if someone else did something similar. Because their energy and your energy are different! And therefore so is your work.

Let’s wrap this up because it’s getting long

I know there are so many beautiful things to having Chiron in Gemini. These things I couldn’t have come up with without those around me mirroring back the effects. 

I am incredibly gifted at helping others to confront fear and find their own voice and own creative expression.

 I am an unstoppable force at creating a ladder into a new level of consciousness through my own intuitive and intellectual gifts. 

I find without even knowing it that I allow space for people to see a very different and eclectic and expanded way of thinking, speaking, learning and being.

So you see, my greatest wound is also my greatest strength, and yours is too. Just ask those around you. They will tell you the truth.

Now, knowing what I know,

 I can’t not show up bathed in it.

Because people are waiting on us to show up.

Even when I don’t feel smart enough.

Even when I don’t feel worthy enough.

Even when I feel alone.

So, this year, I am giving myself permission to be in love with myself deeper than ever before.

This year I am giving myself permission to have it all, everything I want to level up my entire life, so much that I don’t even recognize it any more. 

I’m giving myself permission. 

To be in love with my path making spirit, 

AND

In deep admiration for my own need to connect with a soul that understands what’s behind my eyes.

This year - I’m committing to becoming both. Embodying my darkness and my light. 

To value acceptance first and curiosity second. 

To commit to

Transmuting all of the heaviness into whipped cream for a sweet cup of cocoa.

To engage in introspection v. analysis.

Let this year, be the year that I push myself beyond the walls I’ve created.

As I chip away, slowly and carefully at each brick, I know deconstructing this barrier will make room 

For what is meant to find me. 

Aphorism - an absolute and undeniable truth embodied by my spirit

Tenacity - a persistence full of the humble parts of my soul driven by purpose despite difficulty

And…

Quintessence - a beautiful and intrinsic sense of self, an essence so impeccable it is mistaken as forged by the Goddesses only to be known as a creation of my own growth

Because if there is one true thing I’ve learned in the decade closed by the year of 2019 it’s that the reality is a different reality. 

It’s a game.

We are never really alone.

And yes, our greatest wound is our greatest strength.

keep planting,

jamie

If you found this essay helpful in navigating Chiron and Chiron in Gemini, then join the Collective Inner Garden Community. Every email I send is carefully curated for the energy of the times and can help you no matter what season we’re in. <3