a letter to my anger

Dear Anger - 

Thank you for letting me know that you are here.

Even though I’ve always ignored you - felt ashamed by you, and tried to hide you, you always let me know when you were here. You never let me down.

I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you. 

So, we go way back, right? Remember? Back in the day? When you were around all the time? When I used to walk around with my arms crossed through the hallways and people used to ask me “why do you walk around with your arms crossed all the time? are you mad or something?” and I would just say, “no. i’m just cold.” which we both know was hardly ever the truth. 

It took me a really long time to learn to uncross my arms, Anger.  But that’s okay, because you were just trying to protect me from harm 24/7. And I can’t thank you enough for that. 

Even though we haven't always been on the same page with one another. I want you to know that I see you now. I see wisdom in you. You are ever so important to me. Without you, I wouldn’t know how to call in love. I wouldn’t know what passion feels like. I wouldn’t know what I value or when I feel hurt, confused or scared. 

Thank you for teaching me what it feels like to care about myself.

I’ve always learned that it’s okay to be angry for others, but that it’s not okay when I need to feel it on behalf of my own wounds. 

Thank you for being so loud in my body.

I feel you gently pulling on my feet and legs when I want to cut and run away from conflict. I feel you churning violently in my stomach when my boundaries are violated. I feel you in my throat and on my tongue when someone just plain pisses me off. I even often feel you deeply swirling amongst the chambers in my heart when my ego gets the best of me.

I know you know me. And I know I’m only just now getting to know you. But, let’s say we conspicuously conspire together from now on? Let’s play a little bit. Let’s surprisingly tap each other’s shoulders when one of us has a secret to share with the other. Let’s whisper late at night to one another when we need to process the remains of a bad day. Let’s reconcile with sadness and grief and invite them into our healing circle…

Let’s get happy and grateful every time we see each other and celebrate it because I wouldn’t be here without you and you wouldn’t be here without me. And when things get tough - I’ll still be there.  Even if at first I feel a resistance to you. I invite you to trust me that I’ll always come around to you. Because now that I’ve finally found you, I never want to let you go.

Anger, I’m open to feeling more of you. I want to become your friend. I want to comfort you when you are scared and watch you dance and grow. I want to fall in love with you. 

I can’t promise you’ll ever be cured. Because in my eyes, you are not an illness and you do not need to be fixed. But, I can promise you that I will always lend you my breath whenever you need it. So that you never go hungry ever again. 

Always yours,

jamie xoxo